Small and Powerful

Day 5

2011-04-15T21:08:00.002-05:00

It's day five of my caveman diet and so far I love it. Day two and three were really sucky and I was really hungry but now I'm loving it. I was hardly even hungry during the day today. All I had was a handful of almonds around noon. I'm not going to talk about my nightly feasts, because they are just that. Feasts. I feel great during the day, so light and energetic. I've noticed a good difference in my body, although I think weight loss in stage one will be pretty slow. I haven't weighed myself yet because I don't want to make myself crazy with the numbers. I might on monday though just to get a good starting number after one week on the diet.

I'm anxious about stage two because I know it's going to be really hard at first. I think that once I get into the habit of it I'll get used to it though.

Sorry I'm a bit hyper and rambly but I had a low carb monster earlier and those things really get you going if you drink them on an empty stomach. Well I'm off to a birthday party. Have a good evening ladies.

Life is beautiful

Caveman

2011-04-10T21:55:00.002-05:00

I'm going to try out this caveman diet here. I have high hopes because I always do well when I'm only eating once a day. I'm just sick of the fat I see all over me.

So easy a caveman could do it.

2011-04-04T11:58:00.002-05:00

Life is sorta weird right now. I changed my major from chemical engineering to chemistry and I'm very excited about it because It's going to give me a lot of freedom to pick my classes in the future. It was a big deal for me to decide for myself after my dad basically chose my major for me. So now I don't have to take summer classes but I don't want to go home so I'm staying here and working but I'm having to find somewhere to live. So I'm talking with a man about being a live in housekeeper for him and his daughter over the summer which would be perfect because I wouldn't have to pay to stay here over the summer. Free is always good. Fingers crossed on that.

I met an older guy about a month ago and we've been talking a lot lately. I can't honestly see it going anywhere because he recently got divorced and he's ten years older than me but it's nice to hear his voice on the phone and just chat about what we did during the day.

It's lunchtime right now but I've had enough coffee to where I'm not REALLY hungry so I decided to write this post instead of going to eat because I know I wouldn't make healthy choices so I'll just remove the temptation and anguish of going to the caff. I need to leave for class shortly anyway so I wouldn't even have time to enjoy it, and if I'm going to give in and eat it's going to be worth it. So here's to another coffee and another skipped meal.

Cheers

I'm nothing but a broken record.

2011-03-28T21:34:00.002-05:00

Spinning in a cycle. Getting nowhere fast. I'm starting over with rules again. I'll post them up in my room along with pictures of who I want to be. I deserve to be a better person.

Tomorrow I'm doing a liquid fast:
Juice
Coffee
Water
Milk in my coffee

That will get me going in the right direction. I can break my fast with communion at worship tomorrow night.

Wednesday I'll start my normal day plan, this will be rules that I can almost always stick to for the long run.

1000-1200 cals a day
no freaking ice cream(fat ass)
no soda
no candy

I should read more. I'm pretty worthless right now. Yep

that is all

Marathon

2010-12-28T00:37:00.002-06:00

I'm signing up for a marathon that's on May first. I started my 18 week training program today. Thinking about all the running ahead of me has gotten me very excited. So much skinny potential!

Today is going much better. I shopped with Sadie all afternoon. I went for a run after that and felt really strong. Then watched mean girls with Sadie and played Just Dance with some friends. Good friends make everything better.

My dad gave me his ipod touch since my ipod bit the dust. I'm going to load the lose it app on the touch and try to start using that again.

Good evening lovelies

I wish I was drunk

2010-12-24T00:40:00.003-06:00

I wish I was drunk so I didn't have to feel all the fatness that exists on my body at this time. It's awful. Since I stepped through my front door for Christmas break I have been eating nonstop. Gross. Fat. Plus I have my period so I'm double bloated and always freaking hungry. Yay me. I need chemical relief. Alcohol. Pills. Something to make me not completely here.

My latest body part obsession are my arms. They are old lady flabby and I hate them so so much. I can pinch giant chunks of fat. I shouldn't be allowed out in public honestly. There is no muscle definition. Just solid blocks of ugly.

Stout would be the word to describe me right now. Who wants to be stout. Not I.

Blah blah blah.... imagine a continued rant about how worthless I am.

Ok now that we have that out of the way it's time to fix this. Tomorrow I have to go to the doctor because I have a double ear infection. Joy. I'll get up, shower, and have some coffee. Go to town and see the doctor. Get more coffee while my prescription gets filled. Go home. Take pills. Run or nap or both. Be forced to have dinner with the family. "Feel sick" Go to bed. Wake up to Christmas presents. That's it.

One meal. Plenty of coffee. I can do this.

Have a nice holiday.

Angry running is the best running.

2010-12-01T23:49:00.003-06:00

I just went for a nice long angry run, and I had already ran earlier today. I should talk to my parents more often if they're going to make me that angry. That's probably not a healthy relationship habit though. So I know you're wondering what triggered the upset. It's silly really. I was trying to discuss living accommodations for next year. I want an apartment and they want me to live in the dorms again. First off, sophomores do not live in the dorms. It's just not done. I would be a massive loser for living in the dorms. Second, renting an apartment is cheaper and I could come and go as I pleased over Christmas and summer. Even with all this logic they won't even listen to me. They just tell me I'm wrong. I'm not wrong! I'm not dammit!

Now I'm angry again. Calm it down Eliena. I just wish they would listen to me and talk to me like an adult instead of just controlling me like I'm a child. I have to grow up eventually. College is a good time to do that don't you think?

In other news. Well there is no other big news. I didn't eat too much but I could have had less. Running a lot today was good. Now I'm chugging a diet Pepsi because I drink when I'm stressed. Not even alcohol, just beverages in general. It's like emotional eating without the calories. Grumble grumble grumble. I'm being a baby.

That's all.

test test

2010-11-25T18:29:00.001-06:00

This is just a test to see if i can blog from my new phone before i go off and type up a full post and it ends up not working. Happy day ladies!

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.5

Thanksgiving

2010-11-24T21:44:00.001-06:00

This year I'm thankful for all of you. I wish you all the best luck through this challenging week. Enjoy the time with your families even if they're a bit looney. Cherish the time you have with them.

Stay beautiful

2010-11-21T23:30:00.003-06:00

I forgot the comfort of knowing a guy likes you and wants to hold your hand on a regular basis and just hang out with you everyday. Asher and I just hung out at his place after a thanksgiving dinner at church. Aside from the massive amounts of food I had at dinner, which was supposed to be a practice run in self control for the real deal Thursday, tonight was great. Asher and watched a couple tv shows and just held hands and chatted. It was comfortable and peaceful. The thought of him more than likely being my boyfriend* soon only slightly freaks me out.

*to point out how odd I am about relationships I feel that you need to know that I accidentally typed the word "permanent" where "boyfriend" is. Freudian slip at its finest. This has to mean something.

Food is crappy. I set mini rules for the day only to go right ahead and break them. I'm going to start focusing more on drinking zero calorie beverages in hopes that by filling up with liquid I will eat less. Coffee, diet coke, and tea galore. All things I adore. Whoops, I didn't mean for that to rhyme.

Well anyway, have a nice evening lovelies.

cheers

2010-11-20T00:29:00.002-06:00

Bright points:
Asher asked me on a date
I made a 96 on my pre-calculus test
I get to go home for thanksgiving break in 4 days
I'll finally get to catch up on sleep
Sadie will be getting a bit of alcohol for me to take back to uni
my friends are great

So it all adds up to Eliena having a great life, or day in the least. I should be happy, and I am. But I want more, or less really. I want to be smaller. I want to wither away. Tomorrow should be one meal and alcohol while watching the football game. That's all. I will float away.

far far away

Have I already left?

2010-11-17T23:03:00.002-06:00

I am starting to enjoy college, and consequently losing my grip on my world. It's a very uncomfortable feeling. I feel fat and bloated. I feel like I should have better control of my grades. I should study more and eat less. I should exercise more and play less. I should clean my room. I should organize my thoughts, my room, my life. I'm falling down the rabbit hole. Fun fact, Alice in Wonderland was actually written based around the concept of imaginary numbers in math. I'm studying imaginary numbers right now... I am falling down the literal literature/math rabbit hole. Lord help me.

I'm not feeling so well. I have a scratchy throat, blah, blah, blah. Asher said drink orange juice. I like orange juice so maybe I'll take this a step further and have a liquid fast, mainly orange juice though. Flush out this sickness and bloating with lots of liquids. I want my mom to be proud that I've lost weight. I want my dad to be proud that I've made good grades.

Will I ever stop caring what my parents think? Do I just give myself up to a new master later on, still searching for approval? I rationalize that my desires coincide with theirs. Of course I want to be thin, of course I want good grades. But when they confirm that I've done well it's like a drug to me, I float on that high for hours, days even. Only to crash back down to the realization that I must keep going, I have to be better or I'm worth nothing.

What if I didn't exist anymore? I could disappear right now. I wouldn't have to take my math test tomorrow. I would never have to take a test again. No need to prove myself to anyone. Just be gone. What's keeping me here?

Really?

2010-11-03T00:25:00.002-05:00

I just watched a couple episodes of Mad Men with my friend(?) Asher. He is the roommate of the other guy who I thought I might date. Now I am definitely interested in Asher. He's exceptionally nerdy and fun. But this post isn't about him. It's just a quick check in to say hello.

I have a lot of homework to get done and it's already late so I need to get started. I'm hungry. That's a fact. Life goes on, and so do I.

I love you

2010-11-02T00:28:00.002-05:00

Hello Ladies

I hope you are all doing well. Things are going pretty well on my end. Between my parents bringing me stuff when they visited this weekend and a care package from Andrew I ended up with two jars of peanut butter. What the heck people! I don't need jars of fat. Those are going in the trash. Any candy I got for halloween has been left and my friends' apartment as a nice treat for them. They are boys, they can eat candy all they want.

Speaking of halloween, I was Tinkerbell this year and it was so much fun. I made my own dress and it turned out very cute. One guy friend, upon seeing me dressed up, commented on how good I looked and really made my night. I hope I really did look good and he wasn't just being nice.

I'm looking into stripper workouts because let's be real, they have awesome bodies. Long, toned, and lean. They're gorgeous and if I can do what they do, then maybe I can be gorgeous too. Honestly if I could get a job as a stripper I wouldn't mind that either. The pay is outstanding and I'm broke. That's college for you right.

I'm going to take measurements tomorrow morning probably. If I start doing good workouts I may gain muscle weight so I think measurements will be a better way to track progress. Once I know where I'm starting I'll start a first goal. My prize for meeting the goal will be a hot little nightie. I watched Mad Men the other day and it made me want to start wearing night gowns but I can't justify buying one just willy nilly. So a goal it shall be.

I think that's all for now.

Sweet Dreams.

The Universe...

2010-10-17T00:31:00.003-05:00

and it's expectation.

Life is interesting, sorry I've been absent for the week. I've been bouncing constantly between friends, studying, trying to get enough sleep, and failing at getting enough sleep.

I went to a party with the guy the universe expects me to date, I suppose it's time for him to have a name because I don't think he's going anywhere anytime soon. His name is nick. So nick and I went to a party with some friends and both ended up quite hammered. I can't get into my building drunk because of attendants that are at the door, so I ended up staying the night at Nick's apartment. In his bed. Snuggled up. It was wonderful. Life is complicated and I'm just rolling with this situation because I don't know the outcome yet.

Apparently I've lost a noticeable amount of weight since going off to school because my parents came up today for the football game and my mom commented on the weight I've lost and said I looked really good. Thanks mom. I feel like it's not much of an accomplishment though because the only reason I haven't been eating as much is because I can't afford it on weekends and I'm not hungry during mealtimes on weekdays. Oh and studying stresses me out which sends me on more and longer runs that usual. I shouldn't complain, I "look really good" right?

Between the football game and partying I believe I'm thoroughly dehydrated so I'm downing a bunch of water before I go to sleep. My poor body needs all the help it can get to function properly under all these lifestyle attacks. I'm rambling. I love you all very much for listening to me. I hope you all have beautiful days.

and beautiful nights

2010-10-09T10:44:00.003-05:00

Yesterday was bueno. I ate breakfast with friends, too much but it was the only real meal I ate all day. I had a chocolate and a vanilla soymilk in the afternoon and the a snickers and a solitary peep. Well, written down it seems like a lot but it felt like a decently light day.

I hung out with a couple guys from school. One was the guy I think the universe expects me to date and the other was his roommate who I'm not convinced I don't like more. A friend of mine has dibs on the second so it doesn't much matter. Anyway, I like hanging out with them. We went to the first half of a soccer game then ditched that because I was cold. Went back to their apartment to waste time before going to see a movie. For some reason they decided we needed to each have a peep(little sugar covered marshmallow chicks for those of you who don't know). I don't even like the stupid things buhhh. Anyway I played along. Then after the movie boy2 offered me some mike and ikes, I don't like those either so I declined.

Then he threw me for a loop. He commented on how I they had to force me to eat a peep and now I won't take any mike and ikes and how all I'd had was a snickers. Maybe I'm just being paranoid because I think he was just implying that I'm being difficult. Difficult I can deal with, If he thinks (read: realizes) that I don't eat much, then we have a problem.

here's to hoping

2010-10-08T13:58:00.003-05:00

I feel like such a cliche college student. I'm completely broke(no cash and $2.26 in the checking account) my room is a mess and I don't have any desire to clean it, I have a mountain of laundry but no desire or money to solve that problem. I tried to donate plasma today to get some money but for first time donors you need your social security card, unfortunately mine is back in my home state under the watchful eye of my mother. Okay she's not guarding it or anything but if I ask her send it through the mail or bring it when my parents come visit she'll want to know why I need it. Then she'll say I shouldn't donate plasma for money, but she'll be mad that I need money at all... blah blah blah. Fact is, I need a job.

On a brighter note I worked out yesterday by running bleachers in our humongous stadium. I was dead after three runs up. My legs were shaking and my chest hurt. Now I'm very sore and I love it because I feel like I did my body some good. I'm out of clean sports bras now though so I'm not sure what I'm going to do about this laundry problem until I get some money.

I think it's time for an episode of Dexter and a nap.

Sweet dreams.

2010-10-06T10:59:00.002-05:00

Breakfast and lunch for yesterday and today have been replaced by soymilk. Just a few calories to get me through classes. It works out great because I function better on copious amounts of coffee and limited food. I'm more alert, I focus in my classes better, and I get my homework done with a determination close to passion.

I found a boy that I think the universe expects me to date. He's a nice guy so I'll go with the wishes of the universe for now. Actually, He leaves for a study abroad trip next semester so maybe the universe is as confused as I am.

I went into the caff today and only got soymilk. That was a big deal for me because normally when I go in there I sit down to a big meal and then stock up with snacks. But for a moment I found control.

Now I'm about to go to a lab that cuts right through lunch. I like when my life has control for me because we all know that those moments of strength are fleeting. Coffee is brewed. It's time to learn.

Nos Vemos.

Coming up for air

2010-10-04T20:41:00.002-05:00

I can't deal right now. Not with school. Not with parents. Not with friendships. Not with normal cleanliness. I just can't deal.

The food in my dorm room is going in the trash. That will at least begin to clean the mess that is my life.

Chemistry homework will get done.

My parents can stay in their own state where they belong.

I'll just fake it through the friendships like I always do.

But first and foremost, I need to take a shower.

I've missed you.

How are we today?

2010-08-29T10:33:00.002-05:00

Life is good. I workout daily. I make healthy eating choices. I let myself get hungry. I make myself say no. I'm enjoying college. I have many goals. My two main goals are to get a 4.0 GPA this first semester and to lose twenty pounds safely and slowly. The slowly part is going to kill me. We live in a world of instant gratification. I know if I don't eat one day, the next day I will be a pound or two lighter. It's a lie. It won't stay away. I know that if I grow up and learn to be patient I will be handsomely rewarded.

I have to study even when I feel like I know the subject. I have to study until I can teach the subject because that is the level of understanding that will get me a 4.0.

I have an eerie sense of calm this morning. I feel almost enlightened and feel cocky for saying so.

Life goes on

Setback

2010-08-24T20:46:00.002-05:00

So today my stupid little brain just decided I would eat everything I saw. So now my stomach is horribly full and I feel disgusting and like I've just gone right back to where I started. At lunch I sat with the gymnasts at my school and it was amazing to listen to them talk about eating healthy and working out, so on and so forth. I loved the conversation, I'm not used to people being open about weight and diet. Unfortunately I was eating like a fat cow while they spoke. Honestly, I'm so bloated and I don't want anyone to see me at all right now.

My best friend here at school is Erica. She is awesome. Well when I say awesome I mean she's a bit off her rocker like I am so we get along very well. She's barely shorter than me and weighs just about nothing. It's ridiculous. I want to be her so bad. I will be her. Step one, stop freaking eating everything in sight. Let yourself be hungry. You won't die.

What doesn't kill you...

Calories, College, and Confusion

2010-08-23T10:51:00.002-05:00

Hello my lovelies.

To start off quite simply, I'm hungry. Not the comfortable, "my stomach is empty" hungry. No, this is some serious hunger going on right here in my world. Thank goodness I'm safe here in my little room. There isn't any food to be had in my little sanctuary, and that is fantastic because I'm not sure my judgment would hold up against a potential snack. So far Laziness > Hunger. Maybe I'll get used to being hungry. Maybe not. Only time will tell I suppose. I keep thinking of little snacks I could keep in my room but then I realize that I would just eventually eat them whereas without the snacks here I have to actually admit that I am going to put in some serious effort to eat. I like the barrier of action.

So about meeting the sorority people... It wasn't even close to what I thought it was going to be. I'm about to be very vain but hey isn't that what we're all about? The sorority I met was pretty much the "she has a great personality" sorority. You know how you describe someone who isn't the cutest button in the box but you love her anyway. "Oh you'll just love her! She has a great personality" That's what I'm talking about. I was one of the skinniest ones there, and I would definitely not call myself skinny in the least. So anyway I've decided Greek life is not for me and I'm going about my merry way.

Classes started this morning. I've already gone to my Spanish class first thing this morning and now I have a break until 1:30. Yay free time!

Finally, let us talk of confusion. I haven't updated on the Dallas saga in a while. So here's the scoop. Dallas has gotten himself a little 14 year old girlfriend. He's my best friend before he's my love interest so I'm happy for him for the most part. I know it's not going to last because of things I've heard about the girl, and I know things about Dallas. So I can be a good friend for now. On the flip side of that I'm really agitated. He was talking to this girl and like setting up to date her all this summer while he and I were doing our thing. Total bogus! I knew he was flirty with her but that's just his personality. I didn't know he was gonna make her his girlfriend the second I left. Classy, really freaking classy sir. He is going to be seriously punished for this. I'm going to treat him like the child he is until he grows up. He hates being called kid, kiddo, youngster, and the like so I think these names will replace the sweethearts, dearests, and babes of the summertime. I'm so mildly evil.

Mini-villain.

Greek Life?

2010-08-21T08:45:00.002-05:00

So today I'm going to hang out with my small group leader from camp earlier this summer because she wants me to meet her sorority and possibly join this pledge class. I'm really excited and nervous. We're going to the pool to swim and layout. The pool? What kind of sick test is this?! I'm not thin. I wouldn't even call my build athletic anymore. Just average, but sorority girls are NOT average. They are tiny, tan, and beautiful. I'll just fake some confidence because I can't fake a hot body. At least I've been running and doing ab workouts pretty much everyday so I'm not a complete nasty pudgeball... but I'm pretty darn close.

This is a weird feeling right now because I'm proud of the work I've been doing for my body since I've been here but this pool thing just brings into perspective just how far I have to go to look good. I just hope I'm cut out for it.

My dining hall isn't open on weekends so I actually don't know what I'll eat today. We're going to the pool at noon so there is a possibility of food being there so maybe I'll just wait and see what happens there before I plan to eat anything.

Okay well I'm off to wash my clothes and myself.

Wish me luck

hello my lovelies

2010-08-19T22:32:00.002-05:00

Guess where I am! That's right, I'm in my dorm room at college. I haven't even been here a week and I absolutely love it! I walk everywhere and I love it. I've been invited to check out a sorority because one of my friends from a camp I went to is in it. I'm super excited, but I'm afraid I won't be cute enough to fit in. Oh well I can try my best to fit in. I need more cute clothes and most of them are at home. Boo! I'll have to go home and get them because I can't afford to buy new ones.

I've been drinking water like a champion because I've given up diet soda and coffee because they give me horrible acid reflux. There is a water fountain just down the hall so I fill my reusable(yay for being green) bottle several times a day. I don't keep food in my room so it's pretty safe to just hang out here. My caff is so much healthier than the regular one because it's for the athletes so they have to keep them well fed.

I really want to come home from school and get reactions from people along the lines of, "wow she looks great", "college did her body good", yadda yadda yadda. I want reactions. I'm so vain, and the song is about me. Raise your hand if you got that reference. You get a gold star.

I feel spacey tonight and I apologize, I'm just so excited to be in a new place with so much opportunity. I want to get my nails done and tan and just look hot. someone stop the word vomit.

Flush.

Minature Breakdown

2010-08-06T10:46:00.002-05:00

So yesterday I had a breakdown while searching for my closet. Nothing looks flattering. I'm giant. My body is always bulging with food. The tears started rolling. Then I just yelled at myself to grow up. Yelling at yourself is probably not normal. I was going to see Dallas and I didn't need to be all teary eyed. I saw the boy and he made me happy and all was well in the world.

I still hate myself every time I eat but I'm "growing up" and just fixing the problem. I've had brunch before I have to go to work and I'm not sure if I'll have dinner. I'll just see how the day goes.

Intake:
sandwich 250 kcals
granola bar 250 kcals

Current total 500 kcals.

I want to keep it under 1000 kcals today. This is totally achievable. I leave for school in 10 days.

Get Pumped.

Where have the words gone?

2010-07-27T09:19:00.003-05:00

I've been wanting to post but I haven't had the words. My life is a spincycle of work, sleep, Andrew, work, not enough Dallas, work, sleep. I'm merely existing for the last few weeks at home. I'm strangely ok with it except for the lack of Dallas time. I love that boy, or at least I enjoy the idea of loving that boy and that makes me very happy. The only problem is I need more of him I want to eat him up and breath him in and morph into one being with him. I'm a mess.

As far as eating goes some days I eat too much, some days I barely eat. No gain or loss. I hate it but I'm simply biding my time until I'm at school. At work I'm dizzy and I push my hands against my hips and chest pushing through the flesh until I hit bone, saying a silent prayer to the bones to keep me standing, make me pretty, love me, save me, dear bones don't leave me.

I feel like I don't have anything to say that isn't trite bologna.

Bless you.

Dallas! Darn you Dalls!

2010-07-19T01:29:00.002-05:00

So today was nice. I had a coffee drink on my way to work. Work was decent. I mean I'm a cashier, work is generally mediocre with a dash of draining. So decent is an upgrade right? Right. After work I came home and took a quick shower and got ready for an evening with Dallas.

Oh Dallas. I'm not sure how much you know about the boy so I'll go over some basics. He is 16. He loves drama, as in he performs in local and school plays. He is absurd in the best kind of way. He is very handsome, and we are very close friends. People generally assume we are a couple because we always go out together.

So anyway, we went to dinner and a movie tonight. Dinner was Mexican food. Dallas is a picky and slow eater. We spend more time talking than eating. He passes no judgments when I pick and tear at my food, and leave most of it my plate. Because he does the same. We saw the sorcerer's apprentice which was actually quite fantastic. The entire time he was trying to pull me closer to him to cuddle, in what seemed to be a joking fashion.

We went back to his house, he's 16 and therefore still lives with his family. I just thought I would throw that information in there again. We went up to his room to watch TV and we both layed on his bed because we always do that. It's just Dallas right? Sort of. I've always liked him. Our relationship is intense in how close we are and how well we get along. But I've always held back because he is younger than me, and now I'm leaving in a month. So anyway we're watching TV and he starts cuddling with me and we're just chatting and cuddling and I'm fighting him slightly because I know how I feel about him and I know come time to leave for school it's just going to hurt worse.

I know, "cut to chase eliena". We ended up making out for some time. Did I mention he is very attractive. He could easily pass for 23. So now it's out in the open, there is more to our relationship and we both know it. 31 days before I leave Texas. Life is a bitch. I cried the whole way home. Urrghhh!

In love with my best friend?

2010-07-17T15:28:00.003-05:00

Pirates of the Caribbean makes me very happy. Keira Knightely makes me very happy. Coke zero makes me very happy. I'm just a happy gal.

Last night I went to a local concert with my dad. We sat on a big lawn in comfy chairs and he let me drink light beer right along side him. I people watched for quite some time. I have a hard time controlling my laughter when trashy girls walk around like they own the place, and every man there should be lusting after them. Oh please, lose the gut and put on some practical shoes. The gentlemen that seem entirely too excited about the show and obviously have been drinking since they woke up in the morning fill me with joy. Your enthusiasm delights me. Finally, the skinny beautiful women with their clean cut boyfriends... I want to hate them but I simply wish I was them. All in all it was a fantastic night. Of course I had too many calories because of the beer but getting up to the front of the stage and just dancing to the beats I was feeling was just amazing.

Tomorrow I'm sleeping in until I have to get ready for work. leave the house at 11a.m. so I will have slept through breakfast and left before lunch. I'm going to dinner and a movie with Dallas but he lets me be a picky eater so I should do fairly well.

I been eyeing the trend of tall socks and heels. I really can hardly wait for it to cool down a little where I live so I can try it out. I think it looks quite sexy and a bit quirky. I hope I cal pull it off.

Good day to you.

2010-07-15T13:04:00.005-05:00

I adore the clean pure feeling of a nice cool shower after a run in the scorching sun. Thirty minutes sweating on the street and a little bit of an ab workout. Today is going pretty well as far as I'm concerned.

Good/Bad news on the home front: Dad has high cholesterol, bad news. He has to go on a diet, good news. He is the grocery shopper for my family so he used to get any junk that he wanted while he was shopping, but now because of his diet he has to cut back on anything unhealthy! Whoop! less trigger food in the house for Eliena to binge on.

Zen has a post about a baby food fast and I think that is a very interesting idea. I may stock up on baby food when I go away to college. Just a few packs in my mini fridge. Such a cute idea.

My current TV obsession is Fiona from Burn Notice. She is so petite and skinny skinny skinny. Plus she likes like a bad ass behind a gun.

Survey Says

2010-07-14T13:37:00.004-05:00

I needed something to do so I filled out a little survey to reacquaint us since I haven't been on here in ages. These questions may leave you with more questions. Feel free to ask.

When is the last time you did something illegal?
I speed like a maniac every day.

What is the largest age difference between you and someone you have hooked up with?
7 years

How much money did you spend today?
none yet.

What is the first line in the song you are currently listening to/last listened to?
"baby get up, open your eyes now"

What exactly did you drink the last time you were intoxicated?
screwdrivers

How much sleep are you anticipating on getting tonight?
I usually get a decent amount of sleep

Are you a rude person?
Nope, manners are important.

Would you ever think about painting your ceiling your favorite color?
That would be cool. Purple!

Do you think the next person you kiss will be a better kisser than the last person you kissed?
I hope so, I have a tendency to be with innocent guys.

When is the last time you spent time with the one you have feelings for?
I'm really void of feelings for anyone at the moment.

What's something you're excited for?
A concert with my dad Friday.

Are you trying to avoid liking somebody at the moment?
Nah, I'm just rolling with the punches until I move.

Did you dance today?
nope.

Have you ever taken a picture of yourself kissing someone?
yeah, cliche.

Do you drink more apple or orange juice?
orange juice. It tastes better with vodka.

What time did you go to sleep last night?
12a.m.

At this moment in time, do you wish you could trade places with someone else?
no thanks.

Have you left some things unsaid with a certain person?
Not that I can think of.

What is the best thing that's happened in the past week?
Seeing despicable me with Dallas. That boy makes me smile.

The worst?
being the fifth wheel at the bar with Sadie and her boyfriend.

Would you rather have long or short hair?
I like my increasingly long hair.

Are you on birth control?
yeah, it works wonders for acne.

Ever liked someone who was married?
yep, I have a thing for older guys.

Have you ever eaten a live fish?
gross no!

Do you like to sleep?
I like having energy.

When you watch movies at home, do you like the lights on or off?
off.

Would you eat a cockroach for your last ex if they asked you?
that would require him to actually want to speak to me. haha that won't happen.

Your enemy is at your doorstep begging for forgiveness, what would you do?
Sure, why not. She means nothing to me.

Have you ever kissed a complete stranger?
probably.

Are you slowly drifting away from someone?
yeah, we're growing up.

After breaking up, what’s the worst?
the times during the day that you would always talk to them and now you just have silence.

There’s a serial killer inside your house. What do you do?
run! just run like there's no tomorrow.

Have you ever kissed the last person you texted?
Andrew, negative. He's been my best friend forever and ever.

Whats something you miss?
weighing 125lbs.

Baths or showers?
showers, they wash away the day.

Are all of your friends in relationships?
actually most aren't

Are you currently talking to/ texting/ instant messaging anyone?
nope.

Have you ever been looking for something and it was already in your hand?
all the time, I'm a mess.

Honestly, has anyone seen you in your underwear in the past three months?
yeah a few people.

Do you like hugs?
when I need one. If I'm in a fowl mood no one should try to touch me.

Honestly, are things going the way you planned?
yeah, nothing has really gone awry in a while.

When was the last time you had a real smile on your face?
yesterday when I picked up my mom from the airport.

Do you think age matters in relationship?
I think the people matter more than the numbers, but the numbers can affect the people.

What is getting you mad at the moment?
It's too windy to get a proper run in.

Name something you have to do tomorrow?
work. anything else is optional.

Does someone text you goodnight every night?
nope. just if I happen to be talking to someone.

Have your past mistakes made you wiser?
Oh yeah, I'm a very quick learner.

Ever snuck out of your house?
Yeah but not in a while. I'm finally old enough to just go when and where I want to.

Are you a morning person or a night person?
morning.

College

2010-07-14T13:27:00.002-05:00

College is barreling towards me very quickly and I am excited, terrified, and horribly fat. I move into my dorm on August 18th. I'm in a single so I don't have a roommate. I have so many plans for controlling my eating. 1) no binge food in my room ever. 2) the caff is closed on the weekends so I really won't have to eat unless I go out with friends. (new friends!!!*) 3) I can run and workout all the time because I'll have access to an awesome rec hall.

*New friends... I'm moving to a school where I know absolutely no one. No friends, no family, just me. I love the idea getting to create an entirely new image for myself without any preconceived notions of any old friends.

Full of emotion.

2010-07-13T22:59:00.000-05:00

I'm a mess. A mess with high hopes and great friends.

Ice cream be gone

2010-04-19T21:44:00.002-05:00

I'm eliminating one deadly sin food from my life every week. This week's food: Ice cream. I'm lactose intolerant so it's stupid that I still eat it at all, but I'm a weak person and ice cream is my devil. Good bye and good riddance.

I didn't sleep well last night so i did some exercise whilst watching Mulan. Just whatever exercises came to my mind. My abs are pretty toned today but I want them to be flatter so I'm going to do exercises that tighten up the deep abdominal muscles. Suggestions are always welcome.

Boys, boys, boys. Well Tyce was a bust. He didn't treat me the way I should be treated. He got the nix. I've found a new interest. A new inspiration. The name is Joel. The basics: super skinny, cute red hair, 2 years younger than me, a runner. We'll see.

I've got happy feelings today that can't be shot down. I would be annoyed by this except I'm too busy being happy.

Shine on.

No Control or Full Control

2010-04-13T19:27:00.002-05:00

Sorry ladies. I thought I could just handle this on my own. No such luck. I feel like I never stop eating. I want more out of my life but I just feel way too fat to feel successful. Success in life depends on your body right? Of course it does, everything does. I feel very unstable right now. I'm just trying to hold on long enough to finish the track season. Once track is over Friday night, I'm done worrying about my body's ability to function. I'm going to focus on controlling my life and going into full self destruction.

Here's the plan: I'll eat lunch before the track meet Friday. Maybe some skittles later on so I can have lots of quickly usable sugar for my race. Come home, shower, then head to a party at Heidi's house. I'll have a diet sprite to mix vodka with until I can drink straight vodka. Drink until I forget the world. Wake up too hungover to eat for quite a while. Never eat again.... or something like that.

Never eat again.

2010-03-16T17:05:00.003-05:00

First of all I would like to say thanks for all the compliments on my dresses and shoes! You ladies are the best.

I have officially removed breakfast from my daily activities. It just takes up too much time, and besides I like being completely empty to start off my day and then just add a little fuel to the fire in the afternoon to keep me moving.

Speaking of moving, I ran 11.2 miles today. Not all at once. I ran as soon as I got up this morning and felt great. Then this afternoon I didn't have anything to do so I just did the loop again. I love running so much, I love the alone time and the power... I could go on forever.

Movies tonight with Theater nerds a.k.a the only people I get to see this time of year. I think I may "have a stomach ache" and not eat much or any of what is being cooked. I just feel too good today to mess it up. Kolton is going to be there which may be a problem for me.

Let me explain, I adore Kolton as one of my closer friends in school. He is a year younger than me and I am taking him to prom. Kolton is one of the few people that doesn't bother me to be touched by, but lately it's gotten a little out of hand. For a while I didn't mind one bit, I enjoyed the affection. But now that the Tyce thing is seeming to work out I need Kolton to back off a bit but I can't tell him that because that would imply that we were getting closer to begin with. Boo, I just want Tyce to be home from Florida and hold me.

Meep meep.

Dresses

2010-03-14T23:24:00.005-05:00

I wanted to show you girls my prom dress, band banquet dress, and shoes because I want to know what you all think of them.

Be gentle

2010-03-13T23:36:00.002-06:00

Today was wonderful. I actually slept in until 9. Then I went for a nice 30 minute run. Showered and got ready to go shopping with Sadie. No breakfast, easy. No lunch, I thought about it but decided against it. I only had an ice coffee with splenda while shopping. I went a full 24 hrs without calories without much trouble at all.

Once I did start eating I was even able to control myself. I just had a great day.

When I was shopping I bought a red bracelet. The one I used to have broke so now I have a nice, new glass replacement. I also got a cute black dress for the band banquet. It actually makes me look pretty skinny, if that's possible.

Now it's time to watch when harry met sally and text Tyce. Tyce says vulgar things, I adore it.

I adore you ladies.

Sleep deprivation and good conversation.

2010-03-12T18:00:00.002-06:00

I'm so tired! I've been waking up early for one act play practice all week and Tyce has been texting me into the early hours of the morning. I had a track meet yesterday where I ran at least four miles between warm up, cool down, and races. Probably closer to five miles.

My body is dragging. My brain is dragging. I just want a nice long coma of a sleep. Luckily, tomorrow I do not have plans until the afternoon so I have the option to sleep in. The question is if my body will let me or not. I've never excelled at sleeping in. I'm generally up before 7:30 no matter what.

Spring break has officially started and I plan on using it to it's full advantage in so many ways. Getting skinny, getting fast, resting my body, and spending time with friends. I still have a full schedule for the whole week for the most part, but I do have a few days with very few plans. Tomorrow afternoon I'm going to shopping with Sadie because I haven't seen her for far too long.

Tonight I'm going to my theater teacher's house to watch p.s. I love you with the rest of the cast and crew. Our one act play takes place in Ireland so we can justify watching any movie as long as it has an Irish accent in it. Gerard Butler here I come.

I've recently started getting away with not eating dinner with my family. Score! I just say I'm not hungry and they leave me alone. It's quite wonderful. So no dinner with my family and no food at the theater fiesta this evening. Just gonna take my Mega-T and let my tummy get grumbly.

The Mega-T, as far as I can tell, has been doing a wonderful job of suppressing my appetite. Plus it gives me an energy boost. So right now I give it a gold star. It will receive a red star when I start seeing some weight loss results. But I haven't weighed lately so I'm not sure. I'll weigh in the morning because my parents will be gone before I'm out of bed.

I feel as if I'm rambling so I'll leave you with a thought:
"You don't love a woman because she is beautiful, but she is beautiful because you love her"

I love you all.

Eliena in Wonderland

2010-03-10T22:54:00.003-06:00

I had a date with Tyce tonight... I repeat, a DATE. I've never been on a date with a guy I hardly know. Any boyfriend I've had before was someone I went to school with and knew really well before hand. Needless to say I was really nervous.

On a side note: we saw Alice in Wonderland and first off, I want Alice's body, second, I want every single dress she wore in the movie. Ok, moving on.

The whole time I was getting ready I was having the most awful time trying to find something that I didn't look completely disgustingly fat in. Boyfriend jeans, cami, floaty top. As floaty as can be.

The whole time I was getting ready I was trying to tell myself it would be really bad to blurt out an apology for how fat I was when I first saw him. Normal girls don't do that. I wanted to at least try to be normal for a night.

I made myself sit at my house for until I would just barely get there early. I'm neurotic about being places early but I was refusing to allow myself to get there early and just sit there driving myself insane waiting for him.

I got to the theater, and as I was walking in he was too. This is lame but, then everything got better. I enjoyed my evening so much. It was a perfectly, wonderfully awkward first date and I loved it. I'm completely off my rocker so I was very happy that just a bit of awkwardness was showing on him. It made me so comfortable.

As we were parting ways,we did that whole awkward stand around and talk, try to decide when to actually end the conversation and date thing. Only a hug. A great big hug that I never wanted to let go of.

Happy, hopeless, with a permanent grin.

2010-03-08T18:35:00.002-06:00

You stand up, not too quick, but not too slowly either.
The darkness creeps in.
You feel it buzzing around.
Your whole body is thrumming in the darkness as the fog overtakes your sight.
You could sit back down on the couch and just let it pass safely, but this is a challenge.
You want to beat the darkness today.
You've had enough to eat to stand safely so you should win this battle for consciousness.
Your sight goes completely black.
You wait.
Then the world fades back in.
You're still standing.

You are Victorious.

2010-03-07T19:43:00.001-06:00

I've got green tea coming out the wazoo... what's a wazoo? I got the Mega-T green tea fat burning supplement. I've only taken one pill and I feel so alert and awesome! I also got a case of diet lipton citrus green tea, love! I used to drink those all the time when I was at my thinnest. That was a few years ago before I started blogging.

I was trying to think back to when I was my thinnest and what was working for me. First, I never ever ate breakfast. I didn't drink any soda(including diet). I lived on the diet green tea. I constantly weighed myself. Oh and the biggie, I ran every single day of my life. So it's time to believe and achieve. I'm going to do all this stuff I just said.

Oh and it's oscar night! Great thinspo. I love those dresses.

2010-03-06T22:12:00.002-06:00

I just programmed a 12 week training program for a half marathon into my ipod calendar. I'm not running a half marathon but I just really felt like I needed to be on some sort of program. It's cool because the last week of the training program is the last week of school. Happy accident.

I did really well at my speech tournament today! First in persuasive extemp, and second in poetry interp. I really needed that after the way my parents have been acting. I'm never good enough for them. Well, to hell with them, I'll be perfect for myself.

On another note... I feel like a big fat blob. No eating until dinner with my parents tomorrow night. I don't want to eat with them though, mainly because I want to avoid them. My mom wouldn't let me go with Sadie tonight. I'm just a big grump right now. I feel like this post has no meaning. I think I'm lacking any emotional depth at the moment. I just like the way my fingers feel typing. Productive, Efficient. I need the rest of my body to be more like my fingers.

Watch this video. It will brighten any mood.

Peace and blessins

2010-03-04T22:41:00.004-06:00

My stomach is a gigantic blob.... No bueno.

I'm talking to a new boy, just innocent flirting. We'll call him Tyce. Tyce is older than me by enough that maybe it won't seem like I'm talking to a child like it is with most boys. I just want a new boy for long enough that I will be completely and forever over James.

The first track meet of the year is tomorrow. I'm so excited. I just know that my massive stomach is going to be protruding through my uniform. It's stressing me out, but I can't just fast all day because I need energy for the meet. Life is complex.

I have a fully planned out weekend. Tomorrow at lunch I go pick up my prom dress from the tailor. We leave for the track meet in the afternoon. That night I'll meet my friends wherever they go eat and have some iced tea. Saturday morning and well into the afternoon I have a speech tournament. Saturday night I'm going out with Sadie. Sunday morning I have speech practice at school. I love busy schedules. I find them calming.

I think it will be possible to go from friday night after the meet until sunday night without eating, I'll just have to play it by ear. Tomorrow for breakfast I'll have a piece of toast with a tbsp of peanut butter(160 kcals). Lunch will be a veggie sub from subway with just veggies and mustard(280 kcals). A pack of skittles(250 kcals) at the meet for a sugar rush and a couple sugar free red bulls. After that I'll try to go on nothing for as long as possible. I like the thought.

So stressed out that it's soothing.

2010-03-02T17:43:00.002-06:00

You wake up with just your face and your distended stomach sticking out of the water. You know something went wrong but you just can't grasp it. Your mind is a thousand miles away and it has been all day. School was a blur. You floated through the day like you barely existed. You have flashes of track practice, you were slow, really slow. You fought to keep your legs under you. Somehow you got home. You wanted sugar to keep you standing. Half of a grapefruit should do the trick, but not before you weigh yourself. Down almost a pound from yesterday. Your brain gets a green light to consume the grapefruit and you reemerge from the bath water knowing you sure as hell didn't stop with the grapefruit.

I know I'm a zombie, people constantly ask me what's wrong. "I'm tired", "Distracted", "Just having one of those days". You would think that after a while people would realize that I'm like this everyday, or that my answers are always bullshit. But people don't really care, everyone is just supposed to pretend to care.

I would like some diet pills that keep me alert or focused or hyper. Any suggestions. I'm 18 now so I can buy them without a problem.

From a far off land.

Buuhhh!

2010-03-01T22:12:00.002-06:00

One act play rehearsal was hell. My teacher can be such a bitch. But my lousy attempt at a fast was worse. Who was I kidding, I have no control. Tomorrow I'm starting with a more realistic goal. No eating until after track practice. No eating after 8 p.m. I can freaking handle that much. I'm a big girl, it's time to at least act like I have self control. But if you asked my theater teacher I couldn't act to save my life... or lose my ass.

I need a stiff drink.

Oh Jeeze

2010-02-28T23:11:00.001-06:00

Where have I been? Hell if I know. Been getting fat, that's for sure. I'm really sorry for my extended absence. Once again, I am back and ready to go. I'm fasting for the entirety of tomorrow just to prove I can. I've never gone a full day without food.

There is a first for everything.

100 Followers

2009-12-28T09:25:00.002-06:00

That's amazing! I never! thought so many people could be interested in what I have to say. Thank you all so much for your support!

Much Love

It's Official

2009-12-27T19:32:00.004-06:00

So I've known for a while that I was bipolar but I guess it's getting worse or I'm getting lazy at hiding it because Andrew just told me I was bipolar. It's not a big deal because he's my best friend and he deals with me no matter what. I'm just afraid it will get worse. I'm not going on lithium... hell to the no.

It's been so weird being at home with my parents all the time. Bonus: No Binging. No night snacking. Decent Eating.

As of January 1st 2010 I will be a vegetarian. I've told my parents it's only for three months but that was just so it would seem less daunting to them. Meat grosses me out anyway. This will be fun.

Off my rocker.

Good Lord

2009-12-15T16:41:00.001-06:00

I have gotten so effing fat!!!! I'm gross gross gross gross. I have learned that I have no self control. No focus. I'm a mess. I'm so mad at myself for getting this bad. I've turned my room into an ana sanctuary. I got a mini fridge and filled it with diet soda and water and some baby food. Later tonight I'm going the gym and on the way home I'll stop and get some coke zero and sugar free jello. Hopefully this will make it easier for me and my lacking will power to get my fat ass back on track. I'm going to download a bunch of songs and make an ana playlist. I just need to be all ana all the time for a while.

Over and Out.

Self Destruct...

2009-12-06T15:30:00.002-06:00

... In 5 seconds...

I want to crash through life with complete disregard of my body. Just live on caffeine and the euphoria of barely existing.

... In 4 seconds...

I want to be pale and gaunt... I dream of looking dead.

... In 3 seconds...

My mother and I are barely speaking, life would be easier if we weren't speaking at all.

... In 2 seconds...

I was accused of being A.D.D. again today, I'm finally reaching a decent level of dysfunction.

... In 1 second....

I don't want to be fixed, I want to be even more broken.

Destruction

December

2009-12-01T07:18:00.001-06:00

It's the first of the month. Winter is crashing around us. I'm starting over. Drinking my coffee and skipping food for breakfast.

lighter than a snowflake

Cross Country is Finally Over

2009-11-08T22:50:00.002-06:00

I no longer have the excuse of needing my body to function for cross country. I can now restrict like I did in the summer when I actually saw some results. I'm going to be a covert vegetarian for tomorrow.

I went to a party last night, for the first time in a really long time. Sadie was throwing it with some friends from where she works. It was tons of fun. I drank more than my body likes to handle, which really isn't that much. Once I got home I sat in my bathroom floor forcing myself to drink a glass of water, wishing I would just throw up and feel better. I didn't throw up. I finally laid in bed with a big styrofoam cup next to me just in case but I still didn't throw up. I woke up at 7:30 for some odd reason. Not the slightest bit of a hangover, my body is so weird about alcohol. But I seriously love parties. Talking way too close with people I hardly know. Arms around my waist, smoke lingering in the air and in guys breath, drink constantly in hand, me constantly in motion. What's not to love?

I have rehearsal early in the morning before school. Not sure how that's going to go. All I know is I don't have to eat, and there is power in that.

I don't have to.

Slow and Steady. FTW

2009-11-03T20:35:00.004-06:00

Slow and steady has never really been my thing but I'm willing to give it a try for the sake of weight-loss. I haven't been binging, I've actually been quite the good little girl. It just seems odd not to go to the extreme of fasting and then back to binging and over and over again. After three days I'm feeling pretty good, if there are any results they are very subtle. I'm not going to weigh myself until sunday morning to see if this method is really working.

Once cross country is over I'm gonna start taking some diet pills again. I love how hyper and shaky they make me even if they don't actually help with weight-loss the placebo affect is helpful for my little brain.

I get to design a workout program for Andrew and myself for when we start going to the Y to workout. I'm really excited and he's really scared. He should be, I'm going to be brutal.

Dallas and I just seem to be getting closer and I have no idea what to do. The problem with dating him is that I could never break up with him because we're too close of friends so I would never want to hurt. And I can't go into a relationship without an out already planned. If I know I'm not trapped I won't panic. Ugh! Bollocks boys make things so complicated.

Dumb this down for me.

146.4

2009-11-01T21:04:00.004-06:00

I'm not surprised by the 146.4 lbs on the scale this morning. I've let myself turn into a fatty once again. My body just likes to hover around 145 all the time and I can't let it. I have to get it to a new lower number to hover at.

My goal for the month of november is to lose 6.4 lbs. that will get me back down to 140 and on the the game of how low can you go. That's a loss of 1.6 lbs a week. I think that is a very reasonable goal to have. Look at me and my voice of reason, let's see if it carries over to the real world.

So this weeks rule came about on it's own accord.

Rule 2. Write Everything Down.
Every bit of food or caloric drink that passes thy lips shall be recorded in thy's scroll of sins.

sin not, my beauties

Going back to the stone age

2009-10-31T23:08:00.003-05:00

I'm putting pen to paper in a legitimate, everyone knows about it, no lies, food journal. Andrew is restating his diet tomorrow... again, so I'm joining him in his quest for smaller pants. We got matching notebooks and have decided to weigh every sunday to track our progress. I'm really excited for this. I can be so competitive and I hope that pushes me to make sure I'm always doing better than him. I have to weigh myself tomorrow morning and I'm really nervous about it. I can't hide from the scale forever though and I guess tomorrow is as good a time as any to face the truth of the matter. I'll let you know what wretched number comes up on the scale.

For now I need to sleep because I can't let myself get run down at all this week.

Sleep Deep, Dream Big, Live Light.

It's a Mix

2009-10-29T23:33:00.002-05:00

I did really well at the cross country meet yesterday! Sixth place. I'm so excited. Regionals is a week from saturday and I can't wait to go run and take a shot at qualifying for state. Amidst all that excitement I've managed to turn into more of a tubby fat pants. I just need a complete attitude change.

I wish I could go vegan or at the very least vegetarian, but I've tried it before and it never goes over well with my family. Maybe I"ll give it another try once cross country is over. Just vegetarian, I'll have to work up to vegan. Any thoughts and opinions on the subject? I always love to know what you think and what works for you.

I need to get my focus back I couldn't even do that for to days in a row.

I rest my case.
where?

There.

Smiling. I am.

2009-10-26T22:14:00.003-05:00

I was a good little girl today and payed attention to what I ate except for like 2 minutes when I stupidly popped candy into my mouth for no reason. Other than that, it was a good day with no binging. I feel a bit hungry, but it's an enjoyable level of hungry.

One of my friends has a walking boot because he hurt his foot, and while he had it off I put it on. Well, apparently I did it wrong because while I was walking in it I'm pretty sure I pulled a muscle in my back. FTW! That thing isn't supposed to injure you, it is supposed to make you better.

Our district cross country meet is wednesday and I'm really excited/nervous. I know I'm ready to go out and kick some butt, but I also know that every race is a mental battle for me so I have to be mentally ready for war with my body and lazy self.

That explosion of color is me wearing turquoise tights and a purple tutu. This week is Red Ribbon Week a.k.a. drug free week and today's theme was "doing drugs is crazy" and everyone dressed up in all sorts of odd ways. I apologize for the lardness but I hope you enjoy the color as much as I do.

Do you ever worry that If someone you loved found your blog you wouldn't be skinny enough for them to believe any of it. That is one of my biggest fears, a friend will stumble upon this blog and just think I'm stupid or crazy, which I am, but in a different way. Ya Know? I'm rambling.

Be bold.

Danger Danger

2009-10-25T21:19:00.002-05:00

Running in the dark on a busy street is a bad idea. But I love running so much. It's my freedom. I think all sorts of amusing thoughts. That's when I allow myself to think about James, and anything else I don't like to normally allow my mind to wander to. I figure that running is my safe place to think and feel just as I please.

I woke up this morning. Pulled my shirt up in front of the mirror and with a shock I received a bright hello from my ribs and hipbones. Then I instantly told myself not to mess this up today. But, of course I did. Cake batter at Andrew's house. I'm hiding in my room for the rest of the night so I don't eat anymore.

/rant alert/

Andrew's family life really bothers me. If you've ever watched the world's fattest teen on TLC you'll get a good picture of that family. Not so much size wise, because at Andrew's they're all HUGE, but the way the kids are so lazy and make mom get everything for them just disgusts me. It's pathetic when a twelve year old can't make his own damn kool-aid. And they all just touch each other constantly, which seems normal I suppose but I'm really weird about personal space and my family isn't allowed in my space. I have an unconscious yes/no list in my brain as to whether you can be in my space or not. Back to the family, the kids are so rude and disrespectful to their parents and each other, I want to smack them both. I'm up on my prim and proper high horse but I don't care. He's my best friend but he can be an ass.

/end rant/

Now that my rant for the evening is over with it is time for this week's rule.... drum roll please.

Rule One: When you eat, you must focus solely on eating.
~to elaborate, this means no reading the funnies in the newspaper or doing the sudoku while I chomp mindlessly on cereal in the morning. I may only eat when I have time to sit down and really pay attention, no eating in my car or chomping on apples in first period when I'm late for school. Never eat sitting on the couch, and for God's sake the tv being on during a meal isn't even an option from here on out. Movie candy and popcorn does not exist. Eating wings between rehearsing scenes for theatre... nu-uh. Suckers and bake sale goods can't be eaten in class when I should be learning, if I must eat them they will be consumed while sitting at a table focusing on what is going in my body. I must pay attention to every moment that I'm making myself fat. No taking bites of food before it is fully heated up, it must wait until I am seated and ready for the meal.~

That elaboration was more for my benefit, I went through a few days of my life in my mind to think of when I don't pay attention to my food. It turns out that I never pay attention for the most part.

Pay attention. Pa-ay attention.

Float

2009-10-24T23:49:00.002-05:00

I love running on coffee because I feel as if I can just float away at any moment. We don't need feet on the ground anyway.

I ran 50 minutes today. Did a short workout circuit with killer ab work. I had plans tonight with a new guy, Daxter, so I wanted to try to feel good. We just walked around the lake in town and chatted a bit. It felt like a pre-date. Trying to see if each other is actually worth it. Conversation was awkward, but oddly we have a decent amount of stuff in common. He said text him tomorrow, and I said sure thing.

And then I got home and ate. Boo hiss!

Tomorrow I need to run at least 90 minutes. Plus 2 workout circuits. I'll try to remember to post the details of my vague circuit. I got it out of a magazine but I don't have it handy at the moment. Plus more ab work. Daxter works out daily, more motivation for me to look my best.

Maybe I should implement one new rule per week. Then I could slowly build up a routine. I'll ponder what this coming weeks rule will be as I think myself to sleep tonight.

Don't think your life away, live your life away.

Fruits and Veggies

2009-10-22T22:36:00.002-05:00

I read in the newspaper that almost no teens get enough fruits and vegetables. I've decided that most fruits and vegetables are pretty safe, I'm going to make it my mission to get my 3 servings of veggies and two servings of fruits every day. Maybe focusing on what I should eat instead of what I shouldn't will be a good mindset for me.

In other news... I think my body is going crazy. I feel as if I barely take a bite of anything and I blow up like a balloon. I know it's not possible for such a drastic body change to happen instantly but I feel like a giant troll after every meal. Buh! I think I'm going crazy.

But crazy ain't going nowhere.

"The Fact is, I'm fat"

2009-10-18T21:15:00.002-05:00

That's all that has been running through my mind. I promised I would be good and I effed that up all over the place. I feel gigantic. I put clothes on and note how they fit differently. Some fit fine, some tight, some loose. I don't know what to measure with because I can hardly ever weigh myself in the morning and I don't trust my weight at any other point in the day.

I want to advance in cross country, but then again I want it to be over so I can fully starve myself.

At dinner I caught myself scarfing and I had to absolutely force myself to not be such a pig.

Ok time to the end this wallow-in-self-pity-fest.

Tomorrow I have a cross country meet. I'll have a bowl of oatmeal for breakfast, that's 150 kcals. I'll only have water until we go to lunch. I have no idea what I'll do, but if it's anything like after the last meet I won't be hungry. One can only hope. I'm going to read some blogs and hopefully reset my mind.

Ugh. Ugh. Ugh.

Coming up

2009-10-16T12:17:00.002-05:00

I have a crazy couple of days right now. Football game tonight in a far off land. I hope we win. Tomorrow, we have our marching contest. This is a big deal. I'm praying we do well. I probably won't have a chance to blog, but I'll be on my best behavior.

Have a nice weekend

Ten days

2009-10-14T23:10:00.002-05:00

Ten days without you guys and it felt like an eternity. I don't know what happened to me, I just lost it for a little while. I thought about being on here every day and after looking at my fat gut in the mirror today I couldn't stand it anymore. I have so much to catch you guys up on. But first thing, first, my eating has been disgusting. Every day I start out well, trying to be good and then I just get derailed at some point. It's stupid. I'm stupid and I need to get focused.

Speaking events I participate in:
I'm on the speech team at my school and we go to tournaments and compete in our events where we get judged on our performance, may the best speaker win.
Extemp: You go to a basket and pull our 3 or 5 current event topics(depending on the tournament), choose one topic, you have thirty minutes to write and memorize a speech.
Prose & Poetry: You take a poem or an excerpt from a book or something and perform the piece, you have the piece to read from but by the time you do it at a tournament it's basically memorized.
HI(humorous interp): a scene from a play or something of the sort. It's memorized, and you act out the whole thing acting as each different character on your own.
I believe that's all I do... oh yeah I am about to start a duet with Dallas which is just acting a out a scene with another person.

I loved A&M.

I don't know what to say, I could say it all or nothing at all. I don't think there is middle ground. There is one thing I will say...

I'm Fat.

New Hardware

2009-10-04T17:15:00.004-05:00

I am the proud owner of some new hardware, two 4th place medals and one Silver medal! I was so excited. The only time I ate yesterday was at dinner because I didn't eat way early before we left and once we got to the tournament I was literally going to rounds all day long. The only break I had was waiting in the extemp draw room to get called to draw, and then it was back to work. Sorry if you don't know what extemp, prose, or HI are just let me know and I'll give you the rundown. At dinner I had a salad and had some of Dallas's Chicken Alfredo.

Today Dallas made me get up and go to church with him. I haven't gone to church in an absurd amount of time. I felt really awkward there. I got through it and then he wanted to go to lunch. We went to a steak place and I got a salad. His grandparents happened to be there and both of them and Dallas commented on how little I ate. I must be more cunning in my food avoidance.

I spent most of the day with Dallas and really enjoyed it. I'm just afraid to fall for the kid for several reasons: He is two, almost three, years younger than me; He is just like James in the fact that he can be very robotic; sometimes he acts like a child and he doesn't get most of my literature references. Finally, the number one reason,....... drum roll......... he's depressed, and I'm manic. It's a recipe for disaster... or possibly divine chaos. Who am I kidding, life is too messy to ever know for sure.

On the way home from lunch Dallas offered to get me some ice cream and I just said ,"no thank, I can't eat ice cream". He got all freaked and was like you better not be on s diet or something stupid like that. I simply said, " I'm not on a diet, I'm lactose intolerant". That calmed him down but I really just wished I could have told him the real answer, "This isn't a diet. Not even close, but this months plan of attack on my perpetually withering body says that I can't have ice cream, and I wouldn't have any anyway because I'm lactose intolerant and it puts my stomach in knots".

On the eating front this afternoon I really pretty much sucked. Tomorrow is a new day and I will be better. I have lunch planned with Sadie tomorrow at subway. I'll have a kids sub and apples. I may be able to skip dinner because I have a band contest tomorrow.

Oh the possibilities

Testing. Testing. One, Two, Three.

2009-10-02T09:28:00.005-05:00

It drives me insane not knowing the calories of restaurant meals, I had to hunt forever to find some information for Cane's chicken. I can't believe that food had so many calories. I did follow all of the rules by not going over 1600 kcals. Lucky me got out of dinner. I almost ate once I got home from running tonight but then I remembered rule 9. That might be hard to follow tomorrow because I have a speech tournament and we tend to not get anywhere to eat until late, but we'll see how it goes.

I keep thinking of the challenge and how if I keep myself together I'll be 135 by november and that just sounds amazing. Then I got way ahead of myself and pondered being 119 by my birthday in mid-january. It's doable, but a bit daunting. One step at a time I suppose.

I had a lot more I had intended to say but now it's left me and I feel like I'll go into a ramble if I'm not careful. I will say that I really want a new suit for speech because I hate the way the one I have now fits me. The skirt is too big so it hangs too long. The jacket doesn't dart in enough so I look like a box. It's just not flattering. I want a nice slimming, lengthening black suit.

b- smoked salmon 75 kcals
pineapple 150 kcals
honeydew 75 kcals
peaches 60 kcals
coffee 40kcals
l- fried chicken meal 1000 kcals

day total: 1400 kcals

Testing. Testing. One, Two

Texas A&M

2009-10-01T21:38:00.004-05:00

So today daddy and I packed up and headed to A&M so I could tour the campus and meet up with my friend Ty. I'm trying to find a balance of enjoying my trip and not going crazy eating everything. I was decently happy with what the scale read this morning before we left home so I'm hoping to not screw that up too much while here.

We went to dinner at a local pub. I ,of course, ate way too much fish and nachos. We really enjoyed our evening, Ty and I sat there and talked for the longest time just catching up on life in general. I had texted James because he goes to school only about an hour away and invited him. Unfortunately, he had a rehearsal for the play he is in. I'm just going to drink a bunch of water the rest of the night to keep my system flushing so I don't ruin myself too much.

I miss James quite a bit, I think about him everyday. I don't mind it though. I like to think about him. I figure that I'll eventually find someone that will make me want to move on, but for now I'm content.

Tomorrow I have a campus tour, then Ty is gonna show me all the cool stuff the tour left out. Maybe James will meet us for lunch but I doubt it. Fruit for breakfast sounds good.

I want a perfect body,
I want a perfect soul.

____________________________________________________________________

I'm joining Stella In the Super Skinny Pants October Challenge to lose 5 lbs. and look fabulous.

Current Weight: 140.4 lbs.
November 1st Goal: 135.4 lbs.

♥ SSPO Challenge ♥

(Oct. 2 - Nov. 1)

Lose a minimum of 5 pounds.
Drink at least 50 oz. of water a day.
No soda unless it's DIET.
Absolutely NO Halloween candy.
No ice cream or cake.
No second helpings at meals.
Only fruits and veggies for snacks between lunch and dinner.
No more than 1600 calories a day.
No eating past 8 pm.

Hunger pain.

2009-09-30T16:16:00.002-05:00

I'm not sure, but I think I'm actually having hunger pain, which just boggles my mind because I've eaten today. Relatively light, but I have eaten. Maybe it's my antibiotics. Who knows. What I do know is that I'm home alone because my mother isn't home form work yet, which is a bit odd but oh well. I do know that I am not going to binge tonight. I do know that I'm going to go to the lake later and jog a bit so I'm nice and loose for my meet tomorrow. I do know that I'm going to kick some ass at the cross country meet, which is at my school by the way so I'll have to be extra awesome. I do know that my head is pounding and I'm about ready to take a nap until someone gets home.

I've discovered egg beater egg whites. 60 calories for a half cup. 12 grams of protein and pretty tasty with a bit of salt.

I can be thin.

I know this.

Must. Burn. Off. Do. Nuts.

2009-09-30T12:09:00.002-05:00

This was my mantra this morning as I was sitting on the band podium our band director worked drill. I was swinging my legs back and forth constantly for about forty minutes, probably only putting a tiny dent in the junk calories I ate this morning.

Here's how it went down: This morning I needed to get gas before I had to be at school for a student council meeting. So I had a bag of frozen grapes for breakfast because I feel like any type of fruit is safe. Anyway, I'm trying to improve my sharing because I obviously failed at learning how to share in grade school. I got a bag of day old donuts for $1.50 and was going to give them to everyone at the StuCo meeting. Well... not enough people ate them and I had half a cinnamon roll and a cake donut. I finally passed the bag off to one of my guy friends and told him he could eat them or give them away. So I shared but I also ate. Since I just decided wednesday is now sharing day, next week I'll have to share and not eat. I must improve myself all around.

Healthy choices for the rest of the day!

Superman dat ho!

I wish I could kick this infection.

2009-09-28T21:54:00.002-05:00

I went to the doctor two weeks ago for whatever sickness I had and I got antibiotics for a sinus infection. But since I've been off the antibiotics for two days it's only gotten worse and spread across the whole left side of my face so it is now a sinus infection and an ear infection.I'm going to the doctor tomorrow around noon so I'll just do that and go to the pharmacy instead of eating lunch. I need to save my money anyway.

I just got some old fashioned oatmeal. I don't even know why they invented quick oats, the old fashioned only takes one extra minute in the microwave, big whoop. 150 calories for a huge bowl. Flavor with splenda and cinnamon, and you have a great tasting, healthy, filling meal.

I really have a craving for some tea. Hot or cold, I don't much care. Tea just sounds good. Plus the caffeine is great!

My face feels huge. I'm going to bed.

Tengo Sueno

This whirlwind of a weekend

2009-09-27T22:35:00.003-05:00

My weekend felt pretty non-stop. The tournament Saturday went great! I did a HI(humorous interpretation) and I got a gold medal! I really got second to my friend Dallas but they gave us both gold because this tournament was pretty informal. I had tons of fun. Then we went to the football game because it was on the way home and we had 7 band kids(including me) with us. Our band performance was marginal but we still have time to improve before contest. Our boys won the game by the way, but at the end when we played the school song the band screwed it up majorly... I wanted to cry I was so embarrassed. On the bus ride home I did cry, not about the school song, just about everything. People have been stressing me out lately and being tired didn't help at all and I just lost it. I curled into a ball in my bus seat and let it all out.

Today I had to go to our NHS induction because I'm Vice President and I had to set up for a our tea party and speak at the ceremony it went well besides the eating(I'm almost to that part). Once I got home I had to go sell a couple magazines for our prom fundraiser and then I had to do some hardcore work for my government class. Deep Breath... Now I can relax for a few hours and it starts all again tomorrow.

On to the eating.
I did too much of it. Saturday wasn't too bad actually. I drank tons of coffee and walked around the school where to tournament was all day, I think walking in heels probably burns more calories. I did eat more than I should have but they had pears at the tourney so I made sure to eat those instead of some of the lesser choices. Football game food, yuck yuck, ate too much. This morning I woke up dehydrated and therefore looking thinner than usual. I was doing good and had only eaten a frozen meal but then I blew it at the induction by eating TONS of snacks.

Sorry this post is so long, I just haven't had time to keep you updated.

Rest. Relax. Recycle.

Constant Motion

2009-09-25T22:55:00.002-05:00

I feel like my life has been a constant rush lately, and as much as I love it... I'm tired. I have to wake up at 3:30 a.m. tomorrow for a speech tournament.

Today was acceptable eating wise.
b- oatmeal(150)
l- frozen meal(220)
peanut butter thingy(180)
s- 2 mini tootsie pops(50)
d- nachos w/ Andrew(might as well be a million)

But I ran for 90 minutes today which burned about 800 kcals. Yay me.

Tomorrow I'll pretty much live on coffee because I don't even like to eat a tournaments because I get so nervous. Once we get done at the tournament the whole lot of us are going to the football game where I'll still be constantly busy. My life is hectic and I feel like I don't have all my stuff together for tomorrow but I know I do. I need to relax so I can at least get 4 hours of sleep.

CTFD

Mid-day break

2009-09-23T12:11:00.003-05:00

Being a senior I get to leave school for "lunch" every day. So I decided to fill my time with reading some blogs, and posting because I didn't last night. The fast didn't happen but I didn't binge so hey, win some, lose some. So far today I've had an apple and a sucker. I'm going to meet Andrew at his house soon where he will eat a mass quantity of food. I'm going to bring a frozen meal to eat so I won't be eating tons like him.

I have no idea what Andrew and Karie have planned for tonight. All I know is that I have to keep my focus on what I want.

Have a great day.

Learn something new

Big FAT mess.

2009-09-21T21:42:00.002-05:00

I big time screwed up today. I came home at lunch. First mistake. I was feeling really hungry so I started to read blogs to try and entertain myself. I didn't drink enough water this morning. Second mistake. I went into the kitchen. Third mistake. I opened the fridge. Fourth mistake. I think you get the point, I ate before 5. Not only did I eat before 5, I binged before 5. Then I made no attempt to correct my mistake the rest of the day and I'm sure I'll be a huge bloated fat fat fat mess tomorrow.

I need to think of a prize for myself if/when I go a week without binging. I'm drawing a blank, any ideas?

Tomorrow will be a liquid fast. The calories in what I drink will not matter, but solid food will not cross my lips. No evil suckers sold by choir kids. No leftovers desperately gobbled up in a moment of weakness. Nothing. I've never actually done this before so it will be a good test. It will be at least 36 hours without food by the time it's all said and done.

Grant me strength.

A case of the Sunday blues

2009-09-20T21:59:00.002-05:00

Today I followed my plan. I forgot how much I loved the Fast 5 I always used to do. I feel so light and airy all day and I'm motivated to just wait until 5 to eat. I will admit i struggled at lunch when my mom had made some casserole thing and it wasn't quite time for me to leave yet. But I was a strong little girl and said, "No thanks". I ate more than I should have when 5 o'clock rolled around, but I'm just going to focus on the baby step of actually accomplishing what I set out to do.

My run today was 45 minutes. I felt really fast and strong so that was great. I really think I'm getting in good shape for once.

Sunday Blues: I'm home. Done with my homework. Feeling the bad side of being single. I'm caught up on reading blogs. I guess I'll just watch tv until I fall asleep.

Don't wish this was easier, wish you were better.

I am my own worst enemy.

2009-09-19T23:49:00.003-05:00

Today was going moderately well...oh who am I trying to kid. Today was pretty crappy as far as eating goes from lunch on. And to cap it off I binged after my run. Dangit. I'm so mad at myself. I feel disgusting. I went to Andrew's house after my binge and ate more. Then I was sitting in my chair at his house and observing his family, they are all obese. I was just completely grossed out by them, and by myself. I had to leave.

Plus Andrew had the nerve to say that James was smaller than me, which he most certainly was not! That really erked me. And I know you're probably thinking I can't really be sure, but I had put on James's clothes and they always swallowed me up and I think that is probably the best proof.

I'm just in a horrible mood. That shouldn't be the case considering I ran 6.5 miles today. Tomorrow I'm only having gum and zero calorie drinks until dinner with my family. That will be my only food for the day. I have to get my fat ass back on track because even with all this running I'm not seeing any changes.

Grrr. Grr. Gr.

Obedient Body.

2009-09-17T21:50:00.002-05:00

My body did as it was told in my cross country meet today. I ran really well and got 11th out of about 80 girls. Then once I got home I couldn't eat because I still had to go run some more for my marathon training. Once I got home from that 40 minute run I took a shower and relaxed a bit before I ate the hamburger my dad got me after to meet.

Overall it was a decent day. My body did all that running with very little complaint so I'm very proud of it. No binging for me, yay!

Tomorrow night we have a football game about 2 hours away from home. I'm toying with the idea of a liquid fast. With all the hustling and bustling it would be very easy but I'm not sure it would be wise. I stand on a podium five feet off the ground and that would be a very long fall if I passed out. So I'll just go through my day and see if I'm feeling the liquid fast.

Follow your heart

Hullo

2009-09-16T22:24:00.002-05:00

Do you ever read blogs and try to guess if it's someone you know? I find myself doing that all the time.

Today I didn't restrict well enough. I'm resetting my binge counter because of my behavior at Andrew's house. I was going through his fridge and I ate several things like a big fat pig. It wasn't an all out binge but I still don't deserve to call it a good day.

I have a cross country meet tomorrow so I have to make sure not to eat too much otherwise I'll feel bloated and slow.

I'm going to start reading Naturally Thin by Bethenny Frankel for the second time. The first time I read it, it really helped me focus on all the aspects of my eating. I want that focus to last longer this time.

Sorry this post is so scattered I'm just really tired but I still wanted to post something. I'm off to bed now, well technically I'm already in bed, but now I'm going to sleep.

Sweet Dreams.

Woke up with a caffiene buzz.

2009-09-14T20:35:00.002-05:00

Because I set an alarm to take excedrin an hour before I had to get up for cross country, I already told you that. But it was an amazing feeling to wake up so buzzy. Then cross country was pretty bad, i felt like Gumby when I was running. No body control, just moving along slowly.

We have sugar free tang at home and it is delicious, with only 5 kcals might I add. Had a chewy bar for breakfast in my Anatomy class. I met my friends for lunch at a local diner and had a cappuccino with me, a couple friends questioned the fact that I wasn't eating, I actually hadn't even planned on skipping the meal, but then Andrew actually stood up for and said I wasn't feeling well. Thanks Andrew, Positive enabler. :)

At dinner I skipped the white bread and potato for the shear fact that I just didn't want it. I had a mini binge before dinner though... boo me and my self control. I need to learn to have a snack without going off the deep end. I'm starting a counter for days I go without binging.

I love to blog, I feel like I could go on all day. But alas, I have reading to do.

Meep

I've discovered a new desire.

2009-09-13T22:38:00.002-05:00

"I can see something is different about this girl. It's Something European. Something malnourished. It isn't the daily recommended allowance of food and sunshine that make you beautiful by any North American standard. There's something waxy about how her arms and legs come out of her dress looking raw and white. You could see her living behind barbed wire. And coming up inside me is the desperate hope that maybe she's dead".

-Survivor, By Chuck Palahniuk

This passage stuck me straight in the heart and I have to desperate longing desire to be this girl. To be the fragile, dead girl. Gaunt and pale. It sounds beautiful. And to people in the outside "normal" world this would be awful and disgusting, but I'm hoping that you guys can at least partially understand what I'm thinking and feeling.

I had food with lactose in it today and now I'm paying the un-ladylike consequences. My tummy is bloated and in knots. That'll teach me to ignore what I know about my body.

I've officially gone stir crazy, I'm wide awake with cross country practice only hours away. I have an alarm set for an hour before practice so I can wake up and take headache medicine so I don't have to run with a migraine.

I've discovered a big problem I have is eating when I'm not even hungry. It's impossible to stop eating when you're full if you were never hungry to begin with. I must stop this unhealthy habit. Seriously, this is unhealthy by normal people standards.

Getting a grip.

Oh my.

2009-09-12T21:21:00.002-05:00

I'm a mess. I have the flu, or something like it and have just been laying in bed all day since I got home from my cross country meet this morning. I'm scorching hot at the moment. Tomorrow I think I'll be too tired, sick, sore to eat. I want the opportunity to say no. I just want to curl up and be left alone.

My eating lately has been all kinds of weird. I'll be health conscious, then pig out, run forever, then feel worthless. I don't know what's going on. All I know is that you guys never leave my thoughts and neither does ana.

Kisses.

2009-08-30T16:55:00.003-05:00

Today was very lazy. I woke with very limited plans. Run, homework, snow cone.

I ran about thirty minutes until my knees started to hurt a little. Once I got home I did a dumbbell workout from the Abs Diet for Women book. I've made a new rule that my phone can only charge for the amount of time I worked out that day. It's a really good motivator.

I cut my apple into 32 pieces and ate it with chopsticks with a little bit of peanut butter. I got my homework done then went with Andrew to get a snow cone because It's the last day the stand will be open for the year. I should have got a small but I caved and got a medium. Dang. Dinner was corned beef, cabbage, potatoes, and carrots. I'm so crazy full right now it's gross.

But as I was eating my rice cakes I just suddenly got full and quit eating them. I was so proud.

Intake:
Small apple & peanut butter 180 kcals
Rice cakes 50 kcals
Snow Cone 400 kcals
Dinner ~500 kcals

= 1130

I still have about 450 kcals to work with for the day. I'm not sure what to do with them again.

Meep.

Ok, Ok.

2009-08-30T10:31:00.002-05:00

I won't make myself vomit anymore. I'll just workout until my body feels like Jello. I'm starting a plan from this website. Which I got from Piana on PERFECTION IN THE MAKING. My allowed intake for each day will be on the side of my blog. I know most of you will think that I'll be consuming an absurd amount of calories, trust me I do too, but hey if the plan works I won't complain. We have good apples(95 kcals) in the kitchen so I think I'll go chop one up into little bits and eat it... using chopsticks sounds like fun.

Peace, Love, Ana.

This is new.

2009-08-29T23:25:00.002-05:00

I've been puking today. Not very effectively, but every time I try I seem to improve. I'm oddly proud of this. I'm not even close to getting all the food back up. It's just the idea of being able to get rid of some of what I eat that is making me feel better. I'm still pretty full from going to my friend's birthday dinner. I have no self control. I'm getting a giant gut. I need to run about six miles tomorrow. Sweet Jesus I AM FAT!

I am not pleasant right now.

Nothing new

2009-08-25T22:04:00.002-05:00

While today was uneventful I feel as if I still need to post because if I get out of the habit of posting I lose my resolve. This morning I ran out of time to cut my apple, seriously on accident too. At lunch I had my cup of pasta. Then after school I had an apple, some cereal, dinner, and more fruit. I sucked tonight. But on the bright side I get to run in the morning so at least I'll have a good amount of energy to function with.

*Random Section*
Trying to figure out this online government class is probably going to kick my ass. But I have struggled through two forum discussions so far and will continue to trudge on and hope for the best.

I think Andrew has a crush on the German foreign exchange student in our school. He keeps ditching me to help her. Oh well, more power to him.

I think I want to be in a relationship with a man that is much too old for me. But I'm really picky and don't think I could find a man that wasn't a complete loser that would actually want to be with me. I'm strange some times. I understand.

Call me crazy

Ball of energy

2009-08-24T22:32:00.002-05:00

For a while I was pretty anemic but for about a month now I have been taking an iron supplement and it has worked wonders. I have tons of energy all the time. I love bouncing down the hall slightly woozy and completely unpredictable because I am so hungry and hyper.

This morning started out great. I had half an apple and some peanut butter for breakfast. Plus coffee. I felt great at lunch, I was enjoying my empty stomach until Andrew pulled me into to cafeteria with him to meet one our foreign exchange students for the year. Damn him because I saw all that food and forgot all my plans for the day. We won't speak of the rest of my failure for today.

Tomorrow is a fresh start. Half and apple and peanut butter for breakfast. A tiny bowl of whole grain pasta that I'm bringing for lunch. A few bites of dinner with my family. No snacks. Only water, coffee, and tea to drink. Nice, neat little plan. How pleasant.

I am currently looking forward to diving into my school work. Let's see how long that attitude lasts.

Sweet dream, Beautiful nightmare.

A long distance relationship is like an empty beer at a party...

2009-08-23T21:36:00.003-05:00

...my explanation for why I am currently single.

Being in a long distance relationship is like walking around at a party with an empty beer in your hand. No one offers to get you a beer because you're already holding one. Just like no one hits on you because they know you have a significant other somewhere.

You have nothing to drink, you're just stuck with the bottle. You have no physical relationship and no chance of finding a new relationship because you're still holding on to the original.

As attached as I was to James I am choosing to believe life will get along much better if we're just friends. Amen.

I've been chugging green tea like a mofo tonight. I actually get to run in the morning so I hope my knee holds up. I need to go take a shower and shave my legs. Then more tea. More blogs.

Over and Out.

*Edit*

I'm trying very hard not to walk into the kitchen right now and stuff my face, I want to not look like a fat ass for my first day of my senior year. My head is woozy right now, that should amuse enough to not eat.

Sensory Overload

2009-08-23T13:12:00.004-05:00

Last night I went to a local metal show. It was amazing. I love everything about shows. The loud music overwhelming me. The feel of the sound waves crushing me. The smoke in the air. Brushing against complete strangers. The Burning taste of the vodka going down my throat. Your mind goes to a different place as the music and alcohol lift you off this planet.

I met tons of people running around like a loon last night. Lots of men that are much too old for me leaning in close to talk, wrapping their arms around me. I shouldn't love it but I do. Being hungry magnifies the dizzies and buzzes of drinking and music. I love people touching my empty body. I wish I could keep nights like these forever.

Bonus, I went to the after-party until like one so I didn't get home until about 1:30 and my parents didn't say anything this morning. Just asked if it was a good show. Woot! One downside is I do have a monster headache slowly boiling up, I think once I get some more caffeine in my body I'll be just fine.

School starts tomorrow. I'm looking forward to the routine. Half an apple and some peanut butter for breakfast if I even have time after cross country. If not... OH WELL! I will get some coffee of course.

I'm still texting James pretty much everyday. We're gonna be fine. I think for now we're just better off not putting any tension on our relationship and just going with the flow. I feel like this post is getting a bit long so I'll save my empty beer theory for later.

Peace out girl scout.

What a mess I have created...

2009-08-21T20:20:00.002-05:00

I've been gone from blogger for quite a while. At camp I quit controlling what I ate all together. I was a fucking fat pig. Once I got home from camp I didn't quit. I just ate and ate and ate. I suck. Finally I picked up Wasted again and began reading through it for the second time. So I'm back here desperate for bones and redemption.

Updates on Life:
I've been working on summer band for the past few weeks. James left for college yesterday, we decided to split once he left for many reasons. Part of me thinks he would have held on to me if I was thinner. School starts Monday. This is my senior year and it will be amazing. And I will be tiny.

I want James to come home and find me stunningly thin. I know that won't be instant but I at least want him to notice some definite change.

My plan is to eat half an apple for breakfast everyday and nothing else for the rest of the day unless it's some sort of organized meal with friends or family. 100% juice will be allowed when I'm feeling dizzy or just need a sugar boost. I will carry my water bottle with me everywhere so I can be sure to drink enough water throughout the day. I'm going to try and find a way to be alone for lunch everyday. I just really want to have that free time for myself to write or think or get some freaking homework done because I never seem to do that.

I've missed you guys very much. I'll probably post again shortly with tons of other stuff I have forgotten to write now. I'm off to read and comment as much as I possibly can.

Oh how I've missed this.

Reality check

2009-07-23T20:58:00.002-05:00

I tried to be normal, eat regularly, maintain healthy habits so I could run better. But I'm not any good at normal. I'm too far into this to reach back out to normal now. I went into the kitchen for a snack this afternoon and I lost it. I don't even remember what I ate. I just know that I'm bloated to the bursting point and I really don't want to be seen by anyone right now. I took 3 laxatives earlier so I'm praying those kick in soon or I'll have to up the dose. I'm desperate. I need my counting calories and safe foods back. I feel as if my boobs have grown two cup sizes, I want them off of me right now. I can't stand my soccer mom figure. I'm seventeen for God's sake!

I can here the gurgling in my stomach. Soon I shall be empty.

I need you girls, and guys, I need your love and support. I'm a mess without you.

Hold me close

The little girl behind the door.

2009-07-22T23:12:00.002-05:00

Today was not a good day in my house. My brother made a shit storm by not signing up for any college classes for the fall semester but he doesn't have to live with the mood he put my father in because he doesn't live at home. Now I have to walk on freaking egg shells so as not to upset his majesty, the king. Unfortunately, no one warned me of the horrible mood before I told him that my cars AC is out, again. That did not help the situation at all even though it was in no way my fault. He did not say a single word through dinner and he just felt like a black fog on the conversation my mom and I were having.

Now I am sitting next to my door listening to anything he might say because I hate not knowing what is going on in my own stupid family. For some reason living with your screw-up brother for almost 18 years does not give you the right to know what's going on with him in my family. I need to just "mind my own business" and understand that "nothing is going on". Damn I hate not knowing anything. So I will man my post by this door until they go to bed or I pass out.

I feel like a small child sitting here. Like I'm going to get in trouble for being out of bed past my bedtime or something. I have a real neverland sort of feeling going on right now.

I wish I could fly away.

It's On with Alexa Chung

2009-07-22T11:20:00.002-05:00

I'm watching It's On with Alexa Chung now and I'm in love with it. She's super skinny, she has an english accent, and she's just funny as hell. Love Love Love.She is lovely. I have a bit of a girl crush. I'm trying for balance today. So far I've had a slim fast and an apple. I'm scared to post everything I'm going to eat today because I don't want to enable any of you to eat more than you want to. I hate when people enable me to eat. So if I seem distant it's because I don't want to be a bad influence.

It's ON!

Exhaustion gives way to emotion

2009-07-19T16:40:00.002-05:00

This picture is how I feel right now. I have no intentions of getting out of bed for the rest of the day. I died on my run. I have no energy to get up. I didn't even want to take a shower but I really didn't want to get my bed all salty so I threw my stupid body into the shower. I'll probably pretend to sleep through dinner and only get up if James wants to do something, maybe not even then.It's not that I'm even trying not to eat, I'm just not hungry, and I really don't feel like interaction. James will leave for school while I'm at running camp, that means that the last time I will see him for a while is this coming saturday. It really sucks because I've gotten rather attached over the summer and I'm not ready to let go. He is an actor and for a while I just showed him how to kiss after rehearsals so he didn't look so clueless on stage, now we lay in bed watching movies and I press my body into his silently begging him to always hold me up. I'm not sure I can do this. I may not love him, but I think I need him. I'm too tired to think with a clear head.

I need to go refill my water and grab my drum major binder so I can at least be slightly productive. I also need to take my vitamin.

I need help

Living's just a waste of breath

2009-07-19T00:21:00.003-05:00

Today was a waste of a perfectly good day. I felt thin all day because of my control yesterday, but that wasn't enough reason for me to keep my control today. I always seem to think, "oh look, it's working so now I get to relax". I couldn't be more wrong. Now I'm going to have to get myself back together and work even harder to stay focused. I didn't watch what I ate at all today. Now I'm really bothered by it because I can't give you an accurate account of my calories for the day. On the other hand, I would probably just cry if I saw the number.

Tomorrow I have a long run so I have a bit of a chance to redeem a tiny bit of my failure. Before my run I'll have two plums. Then afterward I'll have a slim fast shake. I don't know what's for dinner tomorrow so I'll have to just play it by ear. I won't let myself say anything negative about my family dinners because I really feel that they were important for my upbringing. Wow, that's diving too close to emotions I'm not ready for.

Thin dreams

p.s. I've always wanted a tutu and I think this one is just gorgeous.

loss equals drained.

2009-07-18T12:03:00.002-05:00

By sticking to my 1000kcal plan yesterday I've gotten myself back on track, I'm back down to 138 lbs. the problem is I could hardly get through my run this morning. So I'm going to tamper with my calorie intake for the next week or so until I find the perfect balance for my body.

I binged quite a bit this morning before my run so I'm already up to 900kcals for the day, dammit. But as part of my diet tinkering today will be a 1300 calorie day, that gives me another 400 calories for dinner with my family. I ran for about 45 min today, give or take because I was dying most of the way.

Now I'm gonna get cute and go to the store to get some junk and check my blood pressure.

Have a nice day.

2009-07-17T20:38:00.003-05:00

Today has been good so far. I slept until about 10:30 then went up to school to help the band director, mr. magoo. I didn't have time to eat the grapefruit before I went up to school so I went home at lunch to eat a little bit. I cleaned at school to help get things organized. I took a nap when I got home, ate dinner with my parents, and then went grocery shopping with my dad.

Total:
Soup ~200kcals
apple ~95kcals
dinner(tuna helper, peas, and bread) ~500 kcals
20 grape tomatoes ~40kcals
crystal light ~10kcals

~845kcals~

I'll probably have a 100kcal popcorn later on bringing my total to 945kcals for the day. Throw in a wii workout and today is a success.

Finding comfort in the numbers

Joyous Fatigue

2009-07-16T22:54:00.003-05:00

I just ran 6 laps around the lake in town in 1 hr and 4 min. That's about 7.5 miles. I'm incredibly tired and so happy knowing that I burned tons of calories. Running is my protection for the damaging effects of all the food I allow myself to eat. Now if I could just eat less and run the same, wow what a concept. I need a legitimate plan for myself instead of just wandering blindly through my days and getting no progress.

The Plan:
Under 1000 calories a day. -I know that's a ton but with my blood pressure issues I'll pass out if I'm not careful, besides I can always be way under.
Stick to my running plan until after camp, then switch over to marathon training.
Do 2-5 wii workouts every week even if I am crazy tired.

I'm going to start a list of foods that are completely off limits and hopefully post that soon.

Tomorrow I have to go up to school and help our band director prepare for marching season. I'll have a grapefruit for breakfast, then leave school for "lunch" and just go walk around the lake a couple times so I can save my calories for dinner with my family.

Planning makes me feel better

Nothing Interesting.

2009-07-16T16:15:00.001-05:00

I've been pretty lame lately. Just running a bunch. Working. I had a student council district leadership meeting today. It's not that I haven't been doing anything. Just nothing I really find blog worthy. I'm fat, what's new. I eat too much. I'm really sorry how lame my blogging has been lately. Hopefully life will become more interesting soon.

ugh

Harry Potter

2009-07-15T08:37:00.004-05:00

Last night I went to the Harry Potter premier with Andrew. I wasn't originally going but, the girl that was supposed to go with him had something else to go to at the last minute. Yay, free ticket for Elie. When we were making plans I told him we should just go to a store before to buy candy and I'll put it in my purse. After I said this I realized this meant I had to get candy because it was my idea in the first place. Luckily I found a solution; crystal light sugar free candy. 25 kcals for 4 pieces and they taste really good. After the movie we went to ihop just to hang out some more. I just had black coffee and Andrew ordered a meal. I told myself I could maybe eat something he didn't finish, good thing he ate like a champ(pig) because there was nothing left for me to be tempted with. Overall, yesterday was a pretty decent day of eating, and if you throw in my run it doesn't look too shabby.

Tonight I have to clean my room and do my laundry because I'm quite simply running out of clothes to wear. So far I've only had water but that's just because I haven't been up for long. I'll have a black coffee and a grapefruit soon.

I feel my power coming back

Check this out: Gross

Time to run

2009-07-14T19:08:00.002-05:00

I have an hour long run to get done. It's over 100 degrees outside. Bring on the sweat. Possibly vomit.

Hurts so good

I'm so predictable.

2009-07-13T23:45:00.002-05:00

I use any excuse I can find to allow myself to eat. I'm so lame. I need to dig around in my soul and find some honest-to-god will power. Today I randomly thought of something I would like to have said to a texting buddy. Would anyone in the States like to be my buddy? Maybe you can help me find my will power, I think I left it somewhere on one of my trips. If you want to be my texting buddy comment here and I'll give you my email.

I don't understand why I just eat. Something in my brain is just constantly telling me it's okay. The part of my brain that wants me to lose weight just needs to talk louder,

because I can't hear it.